Sometimes it works like that you are moving through the world and you are struck by a train although the force isn't seen its felt. And it's impact lasts your whole life it leaves an impression that wont heal. For years you'll remember with an ache a hollow and yearn for what couldn't be for essentially karma plays its part and the timing is always a head fuck. Twisted. Twisted are my limbs at two am trying to grab for you you have never been in my bed but I know your body. What does it mean this life full of compulsion. When you cry on the underground because you can't help but recognize the world is moving around outside of you and you are sitting still and silent trying to avert your eyes. Don't let them catch you wondering.
I will never come back to London again. My prison with parks I will never have a reason not even you. Most of all you. What does it mean to walk away to feel so deeply and to deny. We are logical beings we don't trust readily we've become skeptics, observers of happenstance working our escape routes fantasizing of violence and discomfort. The kind that sheaths the seedling for the first time pushing its way through the hard surface of the earth. I don't know why I brought myself here. You can't be the only reason. Fortifying strength learning what it means to mourn. I am constantly in mourning these days. Your heart is indeed like your fist opening and closing, expanding and contracting over and over again. What is there to hold in these hands of mine. When I was fifteen I wrote a letter in class and passed it to my friend two rows ahead. I wrote to him vulnerably the line: I fear I will always be alone. Perhaps I just knew then what I know now that the mind wins over the body and my flesh can remain untouched for months on end. I am not looking for anything with him but to be close to him to be the recipient of his affection. How can I have so much love for someone I barely know. The only logic that satisfies is that I knew him before in a past life. He is familiar to me in a way that feeling overrides. It does not matter if he doesn't feel the same. It merely serves as a reason to leave, to leave it, to let him be to let him live his life out the way he's meant to. Perhaps this is my lesson. I am learning. My fear is being fulfilled and fates shown its hand. I am meant to be alone. There is no need to force it. As soon as I can accept this I can alleviate my suffering. For it is only in love and attachment that I have felt so pained.
Let me tell you the story about how I was desired by many but loved for only a short while. How I couldn't escape their projections how my pure love was always too much, how they didn't know what to do with my feelings as if they we're things to find storage for or made into some purpose.
Let me tell you the story of how I gave up heartbreak for devotion to god. Maybe the only way I can serve and work off my karma is to renounce this selfish extravagant everyday life.
None of it matters. Why are we all here milling about avoiding the work that must be done.
Make friends with monks and nuns
Swear celibacy
Love but from a distance
Never feed the flame of desire.
Remain neutral when it comes to others
Don't form attachments
Let go
Let go
Let go
Remember
This life is fleeting
All you have is all you don't have
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Being a Buddhist means making lists being realists/downers everything is suffering and delusion illusion
Buddhist