I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

It struck me today, like it has more recently and more often than not does, that I am so lucky. I look outside the window and even though it is a gray cold day in Paris I have nothing to complain about. I am in fucking Paris right! I mean holy wow! How did I get this lucky?

I don't think that I am that special in being here, I think that I just decided that I would leave home and come abroad and do what I said I was going to do some odd ten or so years ago. I never felt brave enough to do it before, I always felt like something held me back, the excuses I made, the fear of being a woman traveling on my own. I never met anyone I got along with enough that wanted to travel with me, and to be honest I don't think I really wanted to go with anyone. Not that it hasn't been great to travel with people when I have, but I knew this trip was meant to be something for me. As I have reflected on the past five months, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I think about all the experiences I've had, the ones I've documented here and the ones I haven't, and what it means to have come so fully into myself through this experience.

I have met people that move me to tears at the thought of them, who have filled my heart and my days with the kind of love I could only dream of. Because in them I see the universe; in them I see all the beauty the world has to offer. Life is about connection, don't let them tell you it is about anything else. It's not about how much money you make or how nice your house is; it's about really loving and connecting with people. Seeing the humanity in another's eyes, sharing with them and loving them.

Sometimes I think about the people in my life who have hurt me, and there is still a place in my heart for them. Or sometimes I think about the people in my life who I may not agree with, who I feel frustrated with at times, and then I think, well I'll love them anyway. And you know why, because that is what loving is, it's having the determination to love for loves sake.

For as one of my favorite poets Kahlil Gibran writes:

"Love is sufficient unto Love."

As hippie dippy as this all may sound, that is just it: Love. Love is everywhere and ever present if you should open yourself to it. All the other stuff fades away, it has no value or meaning apart from this.

Before I came on this trip I was filled with fear and doubt, I was filled with a world of hurt and wounding. I cant tell you what the past year leading up to this journey was like, because it was beyond words with challenge and heartache. I watched my home deteriorate, my foundation and security in every way threatened. I gave up material possessions and emotional attachments I was far too sentimental about. I embraced what it meant to not be in a romantic relationship, to really choose that for me because I needed to be alone. I faced the fact that my Father and I may never have a relationship and that I didn't have all my needs met as a child, but that it was all ok. That my parents did their best, and they loved me in the way they knew how, and that I turned out pretty well despite any hard times. I acknowledged through therapy that I had major trust issues, that I had lost my faith somewhere along the way and that I wanted it back. The grief that I felt from the losses accrued in my life, through death and through partners and friends not remaining, was surfacing in a big way and I couldn't turn away from the pain. I admitted that I didn't know how to live my life for me, because I didn't feel like I was good enough or worthy, and that I had sacrificed a lot in order to play small. I found out I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and came to find ways to cope with that, to have compassion for all the moments I hadn't known how to deal with life. And through it all, challenges still came and I met them, because that was all I could do. That is all you CAN do.

As I have come to learn now: WE CAN BECAUSE WE MUST. More than the saying "God doesn't give you anything you cant handle", I like to think that we aren't here just waiting for a handout, but that everything in life is about our choice, and that we are always stronger than we imagine.

I have because I had to. I had to live, I had to thrive, I decided that. I decided I was brave; that alone wasn't lonely; that I was worth all the beauty and love in the world; and that faith was worth having because believing imbued everything with purpose and meaning.

When my Aunt called that day over a year ago now, to tell my family she had stage four liver cancer, I was beside myself. I left the house and went to the Foster City lagoon, on some crummy fake beach side with a mess of geese squawking in the background and sat on the shore sobbing unable to catch my breath. I remember looking out at the water, looking up at the sky and saying then in that moment to myself, "that's it, you have to have faith, it doesn't matter what has happened to you, you cant go on living without it." I knew it was essential for my survival, and I told myself then "you have to believe, you have to believe for her."

It was one thing to believe she would get better, which then turned to accepting that she would not; but it was another to learn to believe all together.

My greatest gift was learning to believe for me. Because after she passed I would be faced with accepting more challenge, as it would be one of the most pivotal changes and greatest losses of my life.

When people ask why I am here abroad I tell them about her. I sometimes cry and get upset but I always feel a bit stronger, a little bit more grateful every time I can boast about how wonderful she was, and how this is our trip. I tell them this is my gift to me, but it is also her gift to me, because if I hadn't known her, if she hadn't believed in me, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now. Traveling, meeting people, making friends, exploring places, getting lost, having new experiences, eating amazing food, speaking new languages, connecting and living deeply.


Her life has in many ways been my example. I have seen her stay true to herself all of my life. I have watched her move away from home, and follow her heart with courage. I have seen her relationships flourish through her devotion and love with her friends and with family, as she has counseled and cared for each one of us. Her childlike wonder as she loved her kids and grandkids with a fervent passion. I have witnessed what real and lasting love is through my Aunt's relationship with my Aunt Jan, her Soulmate, Wife and Best Friend. It is through them that I have learned what I yearn for in a relationship and what it means to have unconditional love and to live a life full of meaning. My Aunt Deb is one of my biggest role models, and I feel lucky that I was born into the same family, so that I got to know her beautiful spirit.

I believe that is just it, we were meant to know each other, our souls were meant to meet in this life, and she is with me always, and I will see her in bodily form and recognize her again in the next. For now I carry her with me in every moment. She is more present for me in the every day than when she was alive, because I see her everywhere and in everything. I have the blessed opportunity to have moments where I laugh to her about something, or I share in a secret or point out something delightful I know we both have appreciation for. We really were so alike. The more I learn about her and her life, the more moments I have on this planet to notice the resonance and I just feel so grateful. What a wonderful and gorgeous soul I have been blessed to know.

And the people I have met here have all been gifts of the universe just like she was. In a way I feel like she has helped bring them all into my life. Whenever I was worried about something it seemed like I'd see a reminder of her or meet a smiling face to help me. Whenever I found myself alone there was something that stirred in me that said in her voice, "No Krist, you are going to get through this!" Sometimes finding the desire to do so for myself was hard, but knowing that I have survived some really intense things in life has helped me remember that I'm capable.

One of the saddest and most blessed moments of my Aunt's life was wrapped up in her passing. It's not because she died, because that part is and always will be heartbreakingly sad and difficult. But it was the fact that in that moment I realized how blessed I was by her life, by life in general. It was like a light switch went on inside me that reminded me that I had to live, that I had to not only do it for her, but for me, and I have felt a bit like a doe gaining her legs. Call it my rite of passage, but being with my Aunt in her last days of life was one of the most profoundly beautiful experiences. I don't know if anyone will understand but it was so precious to be with her. I felt so much love in those last moments, especially when she was conscious and I could just look at her and touch her face and hug her tight and tell her I loved her over and over again, in a way that I never fully had. Of course I had told her I loved her and always had amazing hugs (she was the best hugger), but in a way those last moments were so unguarded and full. We had the chance to really expose our souls, in a way that I think a lot of lovers do when they are falling in love, because they are opening their hearts to love. It was in those last days that I thought of how much it mattered to hold my Aunt, to look at her, to really look at her and see her and pay attention to every detail of her beautiful being, to read her a poem, to kiss her face, to yearn to give her everything she could ever want because she deserved it. I think that was what hurt the most is that there was such little time to show her all of this love. But I know she felt it, and that's all that mattered. She was surrounded by the people she loved on her last days, and we were all so lucky to be with her, to experience her transition into the spiritual world.

It meant everything to me talk to her closely and remind her when she was scared and admitting it to us all and to herself that she was dying, to remind her that she was going back into the universe, into the big beautiful universe, that she was indeed going home. I know not everyone is spiritual like me, nor feels this way, but I know that her and I shared that understanding. I know because we held each other and she felt comforted and she looked me in the eyes with a kind of knowing and peace.

And I feel her now as evidence, and my faith has magnified in a way that has changed me forever, because I cant go back to the time when i doubted that the world held purpose, because it does. And every moment is ripe with lesson and full of blessing.

And what I've found in traveling is that if I'm genuine, if I'm fully honest and communicative, if I love people, and really savor the moment; I feel complete. It is such a gift to show people how much I care and really feel gratitude for creating connections, to have the opportunity to know them, to hear about their lives and share in experiences. I sit here so moved to tears, just utterly blessed to know that I am love, to know that love is all there is and to share it with divine souls I encounter every day. We are all apart of that divine oneness should we choose to open our hearts and our minds to it. I know that I am closer to my Aunt this way, as she is fully integrated into all that is diving energy.

there is an Italian proverb that goes:

If you cant live longer, live deeper

My Aunt may not have lived a long life, but she lived deeply. She lived a full life, a life full of love. She is a precious example of the divine and of the essence of all that is, and all that we will one day return to. Let us stay connected to that, and for those that know her, connected to her. I am so thankful I have learned from her these lessons and that she has been in my life to teach me this. I hope to live my life by her example, and help others experience the gift of faith and the courage to love and live deeply.

With Immense Heart,
Kristi Debra