It dawned on me within minutes the expectations replicated. I entered the room and wanted to see my aunt there. My other aunt still brimming with so much life sat down unapologetic. We would not be going to dinner at the favorites Thai restaurant. Instead we would stay and talk about the benefits of lycopene and the creamery that makes the cheese on the table, we would talk about ventricles and arteries about how genetically we are all set to die soon because our dna is encoded with death. We would go on a short walk up the slope to the levee and to the nearest bench where you would tell me how lucky o was to be in this area yo walk yen minutes and arrive at such a view. The tide is low, the SM bridge aglow, the blueness of the sand illuminated too. Its brisk out but you don't mind, something in you sings to this weather. We talk about myself life plans how this doesn't feel like home anymore, how when you go away for long periods of time that happens. Its like you outgrow a place, you shift so much it doesn't feel the same. We talk about her. We can't help it, there is just that feeling to say something to point out how hard it is. I think I remind you of her especially so, especially in a way that makes it hard for you to be alone with me linger than a half hr. You look at me and appologizw for not reaching out. That's what she did but that wasn't you. You orheatrated the fun and she brought it. It doesn't mean I don't have just as much heart or I dont love you she says. I know aunt jan. O hold onto her tight and try not to sob. I have become braver with the force of the world, rigid solid and sharp, I have taken each scene in with pain as if it is the most vivid of life experiences. We talk about the Olivia cruise you booked just a coypke days before het diagnosis. How you would have been on it right now. You tell me how much you miss her. How it isn't fair. I nod. What is fair in the world. I knew life wasnt fair the moment my sick grandmother put her hands in the soil with mine and told me to calm down when my brother got the last of the saltine crackers. It wasnt fair then life wasn't fair like she had told me, there wouldn't be more saltines int he kitchen or more years for my aunt to come visit incalifornia. Her counterpart so tenderly crying in my arms tells me that shell come back for septemvers. Two months before their shard birthday, a neutral time. There ate so many miserable couples out there who stay together for fifty sixty years. We were so happy. Maybe you were a supernova. You will travel the country and go to all the places the two of you had talked about. It will be epic and sweet. I miss you already as we walk back. There are few moments its just is and when I see you let me in. I didn't want to come here she tells me. It's just too painful. And I always keep you all at a dostance at first. I know aunt jan. It takes time. Time to unfold and break down walls time to stop crying after remembering she's gone.  And we miss her. Well always miss her